When my mom’s out in public, she sends me pictures of lesbians she sees.

Jesus I envy that relationship. 

this is like the time when my mum took me bra shopping and the girl measuring me up was a lesbian and my mum said to me “i’ll go take a walk around the shop so you can talk to this nice young girl” and gave me a look as if to say “chat her up”. 

My mum tries to push me towards cute possibly gay girls and then disappears. She did it in Primark once and I found her hiding behind a pile of knickers, watching me.

i love all of your moms

When I was 17 I was convinced I was in love with the check out girl at the grocery store 5 minutes away from our house, so my dad went to get milk and somehow found an appropriate point in the conversation while buying a half gallon of milk to give her my number. Three days later she called me and asked if I wanted to come over “to watch a movie” and long story short my dad got me laid thanks dad.

That last story is worth reblogging

CNN doing what CNN does.


you know those people who go on the x-factor that are so so bad and you’re like why did no one tell them why didn’t their family sit them down and say you’re not a good singer please don’t go on tv and humiliate yourself 

Posted 1 hour ago with 1,212 notes | reblog

following back tons


Just in case no one told you today:

  • Good morning
  • You’re beautiful
  • I love you
  • Nice butt
Posted 1 hour ago with 394,159 notes | reblog
How the Logic of "Friendzoning" Would Work If Applied in Other Instances:
  • *Man walks into a store and finds employee*
  • Man:Alright, I've had enough. Why haven't you guys hired me?!
  • Employee:Uh...well sir, when did you put in your application?
  • Man:I never filled out an application.
  • Employee:Well sir, we can't consider you for employment if you've never filled out an application.
  • Man:No, that's bullshit, because I've been coming here for years now, and every single time I tell you all how much I love this store and how much I appreciate your customer service, unlike some of your other customers might I add!
  • Employee:Well, but that doesn't-
  • Man:AND I even told you that I didn't have a job!
  • Employee:But sir, that doesn't indicate to us that you would like a job at our store. And again, if you've never filled out an application, we can't consider you. Besides, we're not hiring.
  • Man:OH! Not hiring, HA! What a laugh. I see your store go through seasonal workers all the time. They come and go like nothing, but you won't consider me as a part-time employee even though I KNOW you've been looking for workers to fill positions? That's insane!
  • Employee:Sir, we've been looking to hire a few people for management positions. Do you have any management experience?
  • Man:Well no, but what does that matter?
  • Employee:...Well sir, that's what we're looking for. You won't be suitable for the position without management experience.
  • Man:Oh that's such a load of crap. You know, you'll be waiting around a long time for a manager if you don't lower your standards a little. Who cares if someone knows how to manage a store? I LOVE this store and I'm willing to work here, that's all that should matter to you.
  • Employee:That...doesn't make any sense.
  • Man:NO! I'm done. This is over. From now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
  • Employee:
  • Man:
  • Employee:
  • Man:Fuck you, slut.
Posted 1 hour ago with 285,388 notes | reblog


It’s September 1st you guys! WE ARE ENTERING THE FALL MONTHS NOW! :D


(Source: immortal-autumn)

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People with cute noses are lucky

(Source: daytimeblogger)

Posted 1 hour ago with 119,930 notes | reblog